I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I believe in your delicious
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
