she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
