Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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