im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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