How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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