I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
