We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
