Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
