i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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