In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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