My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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