Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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