As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize