i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
