his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize