I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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