my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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