Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
