I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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