he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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