Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
