What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
