apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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