Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
