ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
