I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize