wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
