So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
