I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
