I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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