I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize