Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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