That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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