If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
