I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
