WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
