I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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