there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
