I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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