i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
