I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm too high and old for this...
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