we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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