The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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