Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
