I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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