I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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