when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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