Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
