I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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