Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize