I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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