I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
