My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
